Just another Diary

the harder i try to write this bloody essay the more distracted i become. I tried moving to the laptop which would mean i couldn't access the internet but then microsoft freaked out and started locking documents????? so i came back on here.... and look where i've ended up.
hummmm
i love smooth legs
and the smell of cocoa butter

chritsmas is dragging a bit this year, and it's all different, tradition seems to have been thrown out of the window - but not even the window because that would be traditional, it's been thrown out of the boat, into the sea - to Cyprus. Well, thats where my neighbours are going this year. They never go away for christmas. And my uncle's not coming around on boxing day, and are we even goign to the bell christmas eve? I think i'm autistic - i can't handle all this change.


Why can't i finish this essay and start enjoying my christmas. I hate procrasination - wasting time. "Time you enjoy wasting is not time wasted?" (John Lennon) I'm not enjoying this.

merry christmas everyone

ON rare occasions i keep venturing back to this diary determined to type something worthwhile and then actually post it. It seems that the thoughts are there but once i get to this blank box it seems impossible to explain in a coherent way. I should give up, it's said that everything put on the internet stays there and can never be deleted, if that's true and one day i decide i want to get rid of all these half-arsed entries; attempts of something better, i won't be able to. one of the worst feelings is looking back at something you thought was good/important/etc and seeing it ina completely different way. Ramble ramble, yadda yadda, etcetera etcetera. Case and point: I want to stop making shabby entries. I'd like to consider myself capable of describing, arguing and concluding a valid, worthwhile point in fluent english and still feeling that way a few weeks, months or years after i've written it.

My first attempt at this shall be on the subject of phrases (start small, work up to the bigger things). For there are some ridiculous phrases in the world. Today a woman told me she'd "lost the plot today". This one is not actually that ridiculous if your first willing to accept the concept of fate and that every day does have a plot rather than the idea of free will where it's a series of unplanned events. Maybe losing the plot stands for when fate has gone awry, and free will has taken over. In reality i know it just means not really (and here comes another phrase) "on the ball". Now this one is stupid. "on the ball" what ball? where is this ball that you speka of. The ball could be earth - that, at least makes some kind of sense. If your not on the ball, your not on earth. Ok i can accept that one. But notice how i couldn't think of a description for the first phrase without using another phrase. There's too many figures of speech. Why must we use figures of speech rather than just plain normal speech? why complicate things?

Now see my problem. I started off really well on this subject, but towards the end i've found myself not entirely knowing where i'm going, and unsure if i can actually be bothered to finish the argument and conclude it. I can't finish an argument with a question that's crap.

The real reason behind this all is that i've been reading these books and theres a series of 6 of them. Each stands on it's own as a novel but there all interlinked somehow. Anyway the last one is like a memoir, and i'm not about to write a memoir because that's just a tad stupid for someone who is 19 and has done pratically nothing within that time, but it would be nice to write things down so that when feeling nostalgic instead of looking through the retrospective lense i could see how it was then. I know i've just contradicted what i said above about not wanting to look back cringing but i didn't really mean content so much as the actual wording. A good example is the whole Paul fiasco which Pete i'm sure will laugh his arse off about but i was thinking about it and i couldn't really remember much about it whereas if i'd written something down i wouldn't have this problem.

It's the tragic case of someone paranoid about memory loss i guess. I'll probably become so busy recording everything i won't actually do anything.

Tis thee Becky's birthday today and as suchi have spent most of the day shamelessly playing csi miami on her xbox - yes there is a game, who would have thought?

were about to go out for a meal, and bastard rain will no doubt ruin the sraightening process i just went through with my hair. Afterwards we have a cocktail shaker, tequila, vodka, shnapps, apple sour shots and various mixers to occupy us, which is bad really, because i have work at 9:30 tomorrow and i called in sick last week and bah.

Going home soonish, don't know whether i'm looking forward to the prospect or not. i think i am, a chance to gain funds and see people, but eh, what to do for 4 months?

I was thinking about my dissotation and how i am completely clueless as to what exactly i'm gong to do for it. And although it is technically far away 10,000 words is, well, needless to say a lot of words, and they can't just be any words, they have to 40% of my final years marks words, i.e. very good. And i can't write 10,000 very good words on just anything. It has to be something i actually like, and if it;s based on books and shit, i should really read the books before i even begin the dissotation. So I started looking at some ideas. At first i thought medievil literature would be pretty cool because i had visions of castles and round tables and the disney image of the sword in the stone. Then i realised medievil literature is the likes of chaucer etc, and looking at it, i'm not so sure i'm interested enough to bother. So i then started thinking of magical realism. I mean i haven't been bowled over by realism this semester but thats because its so bland. Magical realism on the other hand is people born with supernatural powers, the ability to fly etc. (i know i know magical and realism seems kind of contradictory to me too but to hell with it) so I reckon over the summer i should invest quality time at the library reading and researching magical realism in the vain hope i might actually pass my degree. This time will also mean i will save money (hopefully) and be able to afford the new ps3, when it finally comes out that be.

Housing situation accomplished. Rent next year £48 a week, all bills inclusive - i love my generous rich friend's relations dearly....

Apologies to Pete as i never called you back friday, i unfortunately had to stay and nurse the grandpappa who's not feeling too bright at the moment.

In other news, i bought another Terry Pratchett book yesterday, "Jingo" i haven't started reading it as i kind of wanted to read them all in order, but it's getting tempting what with it just lying there, finding it hard not to give in.

and on a completely different note, i love green. (the colour people)

well the house was taken off the market so that's fallen through, were currently looking at other ones, practically back to square one.

going home for the weekend as tom is having a party tomorrow to celebrate his new job at free mantle media (they do neighbours and the it crowd (yeah the it crowd, how shit is that programme?)) hopefully it will be a laugh but i'm worried i don't really know that many people. theyre are so many new people i've never heard of before...hmmm....

doing an experiment today to see if i'm above or below the reccommended amount of calories per day. only problem is measuring calories for things such as mayonnaise is incredibly difficult. and it makes a difference if its saturated or unsaturated fat, its so much effort counting it all its putting me off eating so hence im eating less and it is no longer a fair experiment. but did you know there are 50 calories in a hobnob. and SNAPS. Snaps are 20 calories per curve. how ridiculous! anyway, so far ive had 761 calories and i've been awake for approximately 4 hours... hmmm.... i think i possiby go over or have counted this wrong.....

It's considerably colder when very windy if you happen to be near the sea. Gah it's so cold outside. I've just finished reading Great Expectations and therefore have many reasons to feel very studious. It's an unexpextedly good story, you don't expect the ending and end up with completely mixed views about miss havishm who at first seems so evil, bitter and twisted. OOooo other reasons to be glad are that i passed all the units from the first semester. 57%,60% and 63% in exams, not too shabby for a first attempt.

The housing situation for next year is very nearly finalised. Becky's dad offered to buy us a place, he's currently sorting out contracts with these people who live in the really nice, 4 bedroom townhouse about 5 minutes walk from lectures and clubs and shops and stoof. Also only 10-15 minutes from my work. It's really modern decor and has 2 bathrooms and a garage. it's in a little suburby bit so it's not noisy at all. Everyone else i've spoken to is renting houses down in Southsea which is a mission away so i'm feeling quite pleased about my friend and her generous rich dad. Her generous rich dad also hosts the whitbread book of the year awards which will be handy for when we launch our publishing company (as we have now decided to embark upon) Currently were going with the name Phillip's Webb, because not only is it a simple combination of surnames but we get to have a cool spiderweb with a P in the middle as our logo. I'm not actually sure what publishing entails (other than contratcs with writers, marketing, printing, reading, editing and reviewing books i suppose) but there's money in the business.

I odn't know if anyone has been to see the Mighty Boosh live but i went a few weeks ago and it is awesome and Vince Noir..... mmm knee rub...........

2 weeks of nothing..... hmmmm seemed pretty good at first. now, now i'm just damn bored. i miss cable tv, if not exactly always enjoyable it was at least fulfilling. 2nd semester starts soon. reading the 2nd out of many books that i'm going to have to plough through in the next few months. Both have been set in london and reminisce about a childhood in a divided Ireland. Last semester i read james joyce "portrait of the artist as a young man" also very heavily reflecting on the war between catholics and protestents in Ireland. I think i know more about Irish history than i would if i were actually from ireland. I've never even been there. I don't feel the need to now. Ok, it is interesting, but it would be far more interesting if the authors all had differing views. Instead they all couldn't really give a shit about either. i'd much prefer it if one was from the view of a protestent and one from a catholic, at least then there would be some real perspective. all these author's have done is seperate themselves from the situation only to continuously ramble on about how tough it made life for them. I'm sure it did effect them heavily but i wish they'd have some sort of opinion on it other than how terrible it was. we all know it was terrible, i don't need to read your book to know that. *sighs*

my head is a lot clearer today, think this headband i'm wearing (although does make me feel like i'm in alice and wonderland) might have an electrical current running through it, reviving my alcohol induced brain.

new years eve tonight, turns out trains might be running so there is a possibility i won't have to treck for miles. Nicole should be round in an hour or 2, seeing as she's still on msn i'll say 2. Whilst at work this morning i have realised that fleeces with dogs printed on them are one of the vilest things i've ever seen. Being old is no excuse.

i know this will sound incredibly sad and chavvy but seriously, this isn't even a joke anymore, my ghd's were the best christmas present i got this year. Not that it was the best christmas this year. Felt very surreal. i think it's because there was a lack of christmas build-up. at home there's a christmas tree lurking in the background for at least a month beforehand, this time it was a week. not really enough time there for me to work up some real christmas joy. also, each year christmas day becomes more chore like. Its a harsh thing to say but maybe if i actually liked my family a bit more, instead of feeling like i should like them. Yeah you could say that last statements bitchy, either way there's something that fucked up in the gene pool... well maybe nothing fucked up, i've so far narrowed it down to 2 conclusions. Either 1. i'm so alike to them and know them and their mannerisms so well it just damn irritates me or 2. were so completely different to each other we cannot stand to be within a certain vicinity of each other for long periods of time. I prefer to go with the latter as the first one just makes them all agitate me more. It's ok though as i'm sure it's a mutual feeling common amongst most families, hence why i seriously dislike the idea of having one myself.

anyway, new years eve tomorrow and i'm attempting to muster some feelings of excitement towards it although am having trouble due to the fact that i have to mission it to mile end via many different buses, plus nicole will be in tow and something tells me she won't really relate to the college network all too well, but we shall see, i might be pleasantly suprised.

on a different note, i don't know why but recently my brain feels like there is a barricade surrounding the part which holds my actual opinions and thoughts and allows to analyse situations clearly. At the moment, it is capable of functioning and recieving ideas and having an view ideas and events, but there is something there that just feels like it wants to implode. I'm hoping i can get merry and tipsy and get whatever it is out of my system on new years so that this blockade doesn't linger too long.

hey, i haven't made an entry in a while. bsically, i'm coming home this week. I'm going to nicoles house first so i won't be back till monday, but if anyones up for going out monday night with me and nicole then leave me a comment. As i need to show her a good time in loughton/debden/harlow/london area

meery christmas

very drunk, always a good time to update........
went home this weekend and felt like a visitor. had to ask for a drink and things, well i didn't have to, but i felt as though i should. it was odd, and my mum cried again when i left on the sudnay, it's so depressing. I love it up here though. Only problem is miggy wants to move out because of, well, she won't say exactly, partly because of Nick i think because Nick's sucha twat (really can't stand that boy) but although i tell her to just ignore him shes adamant about moving out. i son't want to stop her if its what she really wants to do but i dont't feel it is what she really wants to do...... grrrarrrr!

um, yes, this lj has gone tits up since ive been here. will type a proper entry soon, wehn more sober......... mmmmmmmmmmm

buh bye xxxx

i have to say i've been having a fucking great time this past month. i don't feel it would be possible for me to live at home with my parents again (not long term anyway). it's so much easier to be myself here. not to mention far more entertaining. the other day a lorry crashed into the bridge right outside the halls - twat. Friday night matt's friend pissed out of our kitchen window, and seeing as harry law halls is a circular building, and our kitchen is on the inside facing the courtyard, the majority of people in our halls witnessed this happening. friday night i tried to get an early night as i had work the next day, but as with all the times i say i'm going to get an early night it didn't happen. I stayed up drinking with people, matt yelled german at me (he was trying to convince me he would make a good road block - i suppose in all fairness it did work). then when i did manage to get to sleep about half hour theres a knock on my door. it's george dressed as a cowboy. i let him in, he's so drunk and rambles for a bit then leaves and i end up drinking with matt and ben for a while before finally going to sleep.

Last night i went on a date with the security guard from where i work. sam, although he spells it xam (i think he thinks its cool, even though its really really not). anyway, i'd only known him for 3 days and he was saying all this shit about being obsessed with me or something. anyway that completely put me off him. i thought he was cute at first but after that not at all. anyway, we went to see saw II (which, btw, is pretty damn good for a sequel) and then we were going to go up the spinnacer tower (despite my fear of heights) but fortunately for me it was closed, so we stared at the sea for a while. It is so cool to live by the sea. you can just go there and stare out at it for ages and get lost in it. i love it. anyway, after this (which was the point he started getting over the top) i came back to the halls and hung around in the kitchen drinking for a while with matt and cheree, then uma and nicole came back and embarassed me by saying me and matt would make a good couple. all i said was that i liked him, but i didn't mean that i wanted to go out with him. it would quite clearly never work. besides the fact we have to live next door each other for a whole year, and that i have had enough of serious relationships to last me a lifetime, i like him far too much. it's a lot safer to dabble in things like that with people who you don't like that much, as then you don't get hurt. (sounds harsh but it's what i've come to decide) anyway, so that was embarassing. then me and matt were the only two left awake so we watched freddy got fingered in my room and ended up falling asleep (as we do most times we watch films together at ridiculous hours in the morning).

today i did jackshit because for the first day in ages i didn't need to. me, uma and nicole sang along to kareoke and did funky dances in the kitchen to songs such as whams wake me up before you go go. umas got a great picture of me attempting to breakdance. (i must look like a right twat. i was doing all of this with a collander in my hand as well. swave. i tried on my genie costume as well. i look pretty damn cool if i do say so myself. i know its not exactly halloweeny, but it doesn't really have to be does it?

so yeah thats all the news for now. other than that i can't sleep as i am officially pretty much an insomiac, and i would knock on matts door and ask if he wants to watch a film but i think hes drinking with ben. and i would knock on georges door as friday night his rambling was an apology (dunno why) and him making sure i didn't hate him (which is funny as i thought he hated me, not the other way round) but he's probably not there and i wouldn't really know what to say anyway). i think everyone else is having an early night which sucks as i did loads of sleeoing today so i'm buzzing with energy.

i have what has been deemed as freshers flu. its ucks balls. i missed all my lectures today coz of this damn thing! quite bad........

tom has been to visit, so has my parents and sister who bought me food and a tv. (ah good ol tv). last saturday i got far too drunk and me and uma went around knocking on people's doors to get them to come to our kitchen party. thing is, uma knocked on georges door but it was open so she barged in and he was asleep on the bed but she sat on him to wake him up then tried to steal his pasta and run away. she left, and i thought this would be the perfect time to talk about me and george and the other night but because he was drunk and tired and wanted to sleep he wasn't really talking so i took his shoes as ransom until he would speak to me. well the next morning i felt bad and went to return them with an apology all prepared only to find he wasn't in his room, but the door was open again (you think he would have learnt his lesson) so i went him put his shoes down all ready to sneak away but hes walking down the hall and just sees me coming out of his room. So i try to explain about the shoes but i was getting the feeling that he didn't particularly believe me and probably thinks i'm a crazy stalker.

but now ive told u the amusing humiliation of me i will go do some much needed reading

"long way from home
lost by an echo i'd never have known
ive gopt pictures to prove i was there
but you don't care
theres room to believe
out of sight
out of mind
out of reach
start over
no way to begin
no way to begin"

i'm so confused. i love it here, and now it feels like home, but it's not home. because i can think of home and miss it and love it as much as here. but now if i was to leave her i would miss it also. can this be after just 2 weeks?

got my first real piece of work and at first glance i was ready to give up straight away, but after reading through it a few times its really not that hard to understand. i should start to read moll flanders but George said it was extremely waffly. i went to see George in his room and hes sucha lucky bastard. he's got a corner room and coz harry law's a circular building it means that in comparison to mine its massive yet hes paying the same amount as me. grrrr. just like perry and his f'n balcony.

i went to 80's night last night and there was a pet shop boys wannabe band. At first they were just amusing but after a couple of snakebites i found them really good. Always a tale tell sign of drunkeness. i have to say dressing up in 80's gear is the most ridiculous atrocious clothing i have ever dressed up in and then gone out in public for all to see.

tom is coming down to see me on sunday night which will be cool. he's going to bring me a "present" as well. I don't know if i've already mentioned this but he dropped out of Brighton uni and so he's a bit bored at home. i missed my lecture this morning and so now i'm scared to go to the seminar incase i don't understand anything so i might just not go and then start afresh next week. hmmmmmmmmmmm yeah, i think thats what i'll do.

things are looking up on the uni front now, it's only the work that i'm finding deppressing and i havn't even started yet.

last night was one of the best nights i've had so far. went to wetherspoons with nick, nicole, uma and sarah and then all of us bar sarah headed down to a club called bar me and drank half a yard cocktails. due tot the extreme amounts of alcohol we ended up singing kareoke when we got back to the dorms and then we ended up in the kitchen where i started talking to george and then the essex part of me was unleashed. it was really quite shameful actually. it wasn't going to happen but he forgot his keys so i said he could stay at mine and well, yeah....... thing is, this morning at a bright and early 8:30 there was a fire drill. jesus fucking christ its so loud! and because we all went outside george has left all his stuff in my room which means at some point hes going to have to come back to get it. i even have his bloody passport(???).

i had a lecture this morning i think i was still pissed so i was stumbling around a bit. i'm gonna have to go back to bed at some point, after i buy some food that is, god i'm hungry. i might knock on becky's door so i can watch tv. hmmm.........

you think things get easier as you get older but they just get more surreal and difficult. it's only when i'm alone i think of everything i've left behind and i feel that homesickness that is really overwhelming sometimes. but when i'm with other people i'm able to block those feelings out so i spend most of my time around other people, which has turned me inti an insomniac. i am sleeping but it's an average of 5 hours a night. other than the longing for home though it's really cool.

the people i share a kithen with are Nicole, Nick, Mark, Uma, Sarah, Gareth, Miggy and Matt. Most of us hang around in a group most of the time, except matt who seems really shy and gareth who is from walews and has a girlfriend.

I really like Nick he's friendly and will speak to anyone, same with miggy. Miggy is from taiwan and isn't used to england but seems to be doing really well. nicole is really cool, she lives in stevenage which isn't far from me. Mark's cool, emo kid really obsessively into thrice though. I don't think sarah likes me all that much but that could just be me. Gareth is really friendly and from wales but he's not around much coz he has a girlfriend. its really good it's onyl when i think of home i get depressed. like when m mum called the other day i got upset but i don't know why because i know i'll be going back in november for my cousins 21st and again at christmas. i think it's because it's so long away now it seems bad but once the work kicks in i suppose uni weeks will fly by.

by the way i'm incredibly drunk at the moment. In case you couldn't tell. I finally got the internet working in my room (well actually mark got it working) so i'm pleased except no-one else is ever on msn. especially not at 4:30 so oh well.....


to be honest although i said all that bullshit about sticking it out and it getting easier i don't know if i can actually hack it. other than my lovely kitchen mates the only thing keeping me here is the idea of working in a mundane job for the rest of my life. but now i'm thinking i'd rather do that than live away from everything i know forever. i dunno, io think its the drink talking. i'm going to sleep. thinking isn't a good thing here, as nice as portsmouth is.

serenity

to accept the things i cannot change
the courage to change the things i can
and the wisdom to know the difference